That joke about pizza was way too cheesy...

These secrets will help you in multiple situations where you feel the need to impress the people you’re staying with. Applicable to stays with your in-laws, girlfriend, neighbor, best friend from high school, and friends-friends-friends house. I won’t judge. These ‘secrets’ will make your house host want to keep you in their dusty closet for the next ten years. Promise.

1. Eat a lot more than you normally do.

I know for breakfast you probably just scarf down a bagel at home and head out the door. But it’s time for a change. Wake up and raid their refrigerator.  Pay attention for special items that members of the house really enjoy, those will be the first to go so you’ll want to eat those quickly. Half-finished prime rib they brought home from Outback the other night? Eat it. Repeat step for lunch and dinner. You’ll thank me later.

2. Sing.

Grandma wasn’t kidding when she said you could be the next American Idol. Practice makes perfect. Practice in the shower, before the sun rises, and make sure your pitch perfect. Big arm gestures help.

3. Laundry time.

Whenever you’re changing clothes sporadically throughout the day, just leave them exactly where you take them off. You can choose to do this in the living room, kitchen, or your Hosts’ bedroom. Just plop the clothes onto the floor and make sure you complain about how long it takes for the laundry to get done. If you feel the urge to help with laundry, make your way towards their machine and mix up everything like you’re making tossed salad. Throw some color into those whites. You know what to do.

4. Use the bathroom as often as possible.

Have you noticed there’s only one bathroom in their house? Good. Use this as an opportunity to make your presence known. Take long morning pee’s and make sure you blow dry and straighten your hair to perfection after your hour and a half long showers. We just want to make sure you’re noticed for the time that you put into yourself.

5. Use the new environment to test out your yoga mat.

You’re probably on some sort of vacation-ish thing. So you have gained a couple extra pounds. Take all of the loose change you can find around the house and as a surprise, go out and buy a yoga mat with it. Lay this mat out in the middle of the living room, play really loud nature sounds, and enjoy. They’ll love that you’re having a peaceful escape and so will you. 

6. Haven’t pampered yourself in awhile? Now’s the time.

Thinking about yourself in a guests’ home is really important. Pamper yourself. You can do this in several different ways but a good one is filling up huge overflowing bubble baths while playing Josh Groban loudly off of Pandora. Bribe the neighbors’ children to feed you grapes, fan your face, and paint your toenails. Perfection.

7. Stay up later than normal.

I know you’re probably still afraid of the dark, so don’t worry about turning the lights off. Go around their house anytime after 11 PM and turn all of the lights and fans on. It will make the house come to life and your Host will LOVE you for doing it. Playing loud music, singing, practicing piano, playing competitive video games, talking to your boyfriend on the phone, and playing pretend marching band are all acceptable activities to do during this time.

8. Leave dirty dishes around.

You’re never ever ever EVER supposed to wash any dishes in a house that is not yours. Stack them up, leave them out, and make sure that the bugs know where they are. It’s only polite.

9. Conserve water, don’t flush.

Global warning is a very real thing. Don’t flush. In fact, if you’d like to go through their trash and pick out everything that is reducible  reusable, and recyclable, do that too!

10. Introduce new beauty tips to them.

Introducing them with ways to brighten their complexion is something only the kindest souls would do. Of course, if you’re reading this still, you’re probably one of them. So secretly, replace their lotion with hair gel, shampoo with blech, and body wash with a mixture of super glue and baby oil. Just trust me, okay?

Make sure at the end of your stay, you thank your host for everything.

You’re host thanks you for everything.

And the girl in front of me smells like a chili dog. This is not a good thing.

I was laying outside in the grass with a good friend of mine, looking at the stars. After quite some time of silence they pointed out that the sound of the buzzing light poles was annoying to them. I was completely awestruck when I realized that I had completely forgotten that that sound was even there. I’d become immune to the sound of buzzing light poles around my neighborhood. I wonder what other sounds are around me so often that I’ve forgotten that they even exist.

I was sitting in Barnes and Noble. Usually I find a quiet corner of the store and get all settled in there, but for some reason I was compelled to move today and sit in the cafe. 

While I was sitting in the cafe, I started thinking. I thought about my friends and family. I thought about someone I’m really missing and how to get them back. I thought about who I am. I thought about LAMN. I thought about my life. I thought about why I’m here. I was thinking a lot, and in the middle of my thinking I would tap on my laptop and play with my sketchbook a little, answering texts every once in awhile. While I was spacing out, old men sat around me sipping on their coffees and picking at their blueberry muffins. 

Suddenly the old guy sitting directly to my right said, “you’re making a lot of noise over there.” 

I was kind of puzzled, I had been in such a deep daze it took me a moment to figure out that he was indeed talking to me. With the puzzled look still glued to my face, I lifted my head and said, “oh, pardon?” 

He had a newspaper spread out all over his small cafe table, with some pages drooping on the floor. He ruffled them as he spread the pages between his fingers and looked through his glasses at me and said, “do you know how?” I finally began catching on a little bit more at this point and replied, “no, how?” 

He lifted his hands from his newspaper and I followed them with my eyes as he brought them up to his ears and begin twisted them around. “With your brain,” he paused, “it’s going click click click click click.” He had wrinkles around his eyes where the skin crinkled when he smiled. 

I smiled at him then and said, “oh.” He must’ve sensed that I still didn’t really understand because he then added very matter-o-factly, “you’re thinking. A lot.” 

I smiled largely at the fact that a random stranger had figured me out. I nodded yes as I looked down at my lap and replied, “yes. You’re right.”

I thought to myself for a single moment and when I looked up again, he was gone.

The crinkly newspaper that had been sprawled all over the small cafe table, was gone. The old man, gone. Nothing there to show that he had even existed. 

I looked around expecting to find him somewhere, but he was nowhere to be seen. Only a few seconds after I scanned the area around me. A very young man came walking behind me and stared me in the eyes and said simply, “how are you today?” 

I replied without thinking, I’m great. 

He walked away, and my head felt all the pressure from the focusing I had been doing moments before. 

I’m still trying to figure out what just happened.